The Trouble of Trianguled
Relationships

      Of all the issues in family relationships, triangles is one of the most common errors we make. A triangle is when three people begin to act with behavior that can roughly be labeled as Persecutor, Victim and Rescuer. The magic of this relationship is that as soon as all three people are within hearing distance of the other, it only takes the action of one to bring all three into their separate and specialized roles. This dynamic is especially true in blended families and particular pernicious.

      For the purpose of this brief explanation, let's use a blended family: Step-father (Bill); biological mother (Joan) and daughter of Joan (Sue). Bill has noticed how Sue is rude to her mother who hardly notices at all that she has been slandered. He also has noticed how Sue bends all the rules. Bill had decided that once he became the father, things would change. They did change but not as Bill had intended. By the time they came into the office for counseling, Joan wanted to divorce both Bill AND Sue. Joan was being torn. Interestingly, Bill and Sue seem to get along with tolerable respect when Sue (the biological mother) is not around. What is happening?

      When Bill married Sue, things changed in the home that no one had really considered. Joan can no longer run through the house in her underwear. When her mother closes the bedroom door, she can no longer barge in when she wants to talk or has a question or wants to borrow some of her mother's clothes. This makes Joan fill just a little outside a new inner circle. Up to this point, Joan was the center of her mother's only circle of intimacy. This is upsetting to Joan... feeling distant, disenfranchised.

      The stage is now set. Joan says or does something that is not acceptable. Bill corrects her with a firmness that Joan views as unfriendly at best. Joan then runs to her mother with a cry for help and tells her story with some embellishment (creative American fiction writing) to frame the new guy as the fault and frame him as a persecutor of the once center-of-mother's-attention, Joan. Sue steps in and rescues her daughter to the hurt of her new husband who feels like his authority has been under cut. He's embarrassed, frustrated and soon becomes angry. His protesting defense makes him look very guilty. This behavior grows as Joan enjoys a false sense of finally being in mother's inner circle and the new guy is now out. Joan has no concept of how much pressure this puts on her mother. Eventually, this new power that Joan senses can become a weapon to drive out the intruder and restore the old equilibrium of relationships.

      Under the old relationship, Sue was particularly at risk for being manipulated by guilt. Already feeling sorrow for being at least partly responsible for the paint that Joan experienced through the divorce or a death of her father, Sue compensates and becomes a target for guilt manipulation. All Joan has to do is win one argument with this, and she will use it for years trying to win again. This is not unlike a person winning at gambling once.

What are the detrimental results? For the victim:

1. They develop a skill at manipulation.
2. They develop of habit of drawing in other people who seem to have power in a relationship to solve their problems for them and will do the same on a job and in a marriage. For example saying to Joan's future husband, "The kids and I agree that you are..." or "Your mother and I agree that you should never..."
3. They fail to develop interpersonal skills that will facilitate one on one negotiation or conflict resolution.
4. They develop a "victim" mentality: i.e. way of viewing life. Once this fear is set in place, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy that keeps producing more "evidence" that people abuse and take advantage of her."
5. They reduce optional responses to conflict to one of two choices: persecute or be persecuted. "It's him or me."
6. They teach triangulating relationships in the next generation by modeling it well and usually pass on another broken string of relationships making them subject to being manipulated by guilt and falling into the rescuer position with all the passion of having been a victim as a child.
7. They seek counseling from some pastor or other counselor and tell the story in such a way that the pastor or counselor feels like affirming all the bad feelings of the victim or rescuing the poor victim: doing for the person something they should be doing for themselves.

What are the detrimental results? For the persecutor?

1. He gets into a vicious circle of defending himself and confirming all the false accusations by his own emotional exhibition arising out of his frustrations and sense of failure.
2. He begins to view the child as "the problem" child and takes power moves to change her/him or remove them by manipulating to get the problem sent to the biological father if at all possible.
3. He often falls into a "all or nothing" way of viewing discipline and feels emasculated within his own home.

What are the detrimental results? For the rescuer?

1. The rescuer feels besieged by all sides.
2. The rescuer does not feel intimate with any side.
3. The rescuer fails to see the one really helpful role: coach/teacher.

What Can Be Done?

      In our illustration, Sue was taught how to teach her daughter to talk things through with her stepfather, Bill. Sue was also instructed to not intervene at any time unless someone was about to die. Instead of getting in the middle, Sue now stands next to her husband even if she thinks he is being too hard. After the crisis, Joan is sent to her room to think and await "judgment:" a punishment in itself. Bill and Joan discuss in private what is going to happen. Bill then goes to Joan's room with Sue standing beside him and Bill gives our the grounding or the grace.
      I do not believe it is healthy for the stepfather to be completely out of the discipline loop as some suggest. It engenders or at least allows for the children to be rude to an elder in the elder's own home: a double error. Once this happens three or four times, the discipline problems usually subside for a few weeks. Somewhere in the next month, there will be another attempt to gain power by playing the victim role. This is THE most critical time of discipline as this will often be something that the child has escalated betting all they have that the mother will come to their rescue.

      When the persecutor:

1. Does not match disrespect with disrespect or anger for anger
2. Does not argue but listens with respect
3. Disagrees but instead of arguing says simply, "Nevertheless" or "Regardless"
4. Does not fall into the trap but works the prearranged method for discipline

then the relationship finds a new release and freedom and obedience from the former victim now converted to being just a growing child. A helpful phrase to remember, "If you are yelling, you are losing." Children do not have to understand. In fact, they have an investment in not understanding either the directions or the reasoning. If they understand, they have to do it and be accountable for their behavior. Some parents falsely believe that before the child can be made to be obedient, the child has to be given a logical rationale that they can agree is reasonable.