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Four Steps
for
Conflict Resolution
Most couples have never been taught how to resolve conflict.
Because people do not do well what they do not do often, it is
necessary to practice resolving conflicts in order to be able to
accomplish it more easily. Rarely does a husband or wife awaken in
the morning and decide to ruin his or her relationship. Usually, the
couple will try something that does not work, then double that
something because they believe that will accomplish their goal.
Where do we get our styles of conflict resolution? It is a
compliation of decisions based upon how we dealt with conflict as
children or how as children we saw adults deal with conflict.
More than knowing what to do, it takes practice of the
skills involved to successfully resolve conflict. Several skills
need consistent practice, but the most important exercise is the
giving of grace and forgiveness. Neither grace nor forgiveness is
optional if a marriage is to last nor is either optional for true
religion. It is only optional for those whose hearts are not God
centered.
Various formulas for conflict resolution have been published and
practiced. Most have ten to fifteen steps. In the midst of conflict,
remembering that many steps can be very difficult. Instead, here is
a four-step method. Do not be deceived by its simple outline,
however. It takes the practice of at least fifteen separate skills.
This method is, however, both easy to remember and easy to follow
when conflict arises.
Sometime in the 1960s, vitamin B12 because known as an important
element for energy, and doctors began giving vitamin B12 shots. A
lack of this vitamin was seen as the reason for low energy. The
steps for our method of resolving conflicts can be remembered by the
acronym LAC-B (pronounced "Lack B"). When conversation
becomes depressed or begins to head downward, remember that it needs
a positive energy source.
L stands for __Listening_______
1. What does Proverbs 18:13 tell us about listening?
" He who answers before listening-- that is his folly and his
shame."
A person will repeat something year after year in a variety of
ways-with growing emotional impact-all the while believing he or she
has not been heard. Listening is an active process. It is not
letting the other person speak while you think of how to respond.
Four basic skills are involved in what is called "active
listening."
1) Attending: shown by body language (looking in eyes,
nodding your head appropriately, facing your spouse, small vocal
cues, etc.) that indicate you are processing and caring about what
is being said.
Possible Error: arguing with your spouse through your body
language rather than listening to understand what things must seem
like to your spouse.
2) Inviting Information: asking for more even if you do
not want to hear it. It is so important for your spouse to feel free
to share intimate thoughts and feelings, yet we often send signals
or say hurtful things that shut down the willingness to communicate.
You can invite information simply by asking for it, e.g., "Tell me
more," or "Is there anything else I should know?" You can also just
repeat the last few words of what your spouse said. This works to
let them know that you are processing what was said, and it
encourages more talking.
Possible Error: twisting your spouse's words for your own
interest or to manipulate their feelings, e.g., "So you think I'm
the worst husband (or wife) in the world." Do not say that unless
those specific words were used. This type of phrase is usually said
to get the spouse to respond, "No, Honey, I'm sorry. I didn't mean
that." This is manipulation and eventually builds up resentment in
the spouse.
3) Open Ended Questions: these questions are more specific
than inviting information and are a helpful tool when you want to
find out more about something specific.
Possible Error: It can redirect the speaker from what he
or she really wanted to discuss. Some people like to paint the
background before they paint the issue in the foreground of their
thinking. Asking an open ended question during their background
painting can get the two of you off on to side issues and because of
the emotional volatility of the time can change a small conflict
into a large one.
4) Summarizing: Just as driving a car without ever looking
at the gauges is a habit that can lead to running out of gas in a
lonely place or, even worse, can damage the car if the oil or water
runs low, so too, can having a conversation without checking for
understanding lead to trouble. Begin your summary with a conditional
statement such as, "Let's see if I got this right…" or "I think I
hear what you're saying…" Put what you hear into your own words and
say it back in such a way that your spouse will be able to say, "You
got it."
Possible Error: Instead of feeding back a paraphrase of
what your spouse said, it is tempting to state your own opinion
regarding your own issue.
5) Speaking as a sub-category of listening and has its own
set of skills. a. There are several skills in speaking : People
desire to put speaking first, but speaking without knowing the whole
subject leads to trouble. Many people think they have communicated
when in fact they have not.
- Naming the issue
- clarifying the facts
- elucidating the feelings
- Articulating the thoughts
- conclusions/opinions
- Listing the past efforts
- Brainstorming future possibilities
- Committing to a plan of action
Here is a three sentence primer that helps frame healthy
communications for resolving conflicts.
- "I feel…" Beginning with the heart and
central emotions leads to openness.
Possible Error: There are some who are not able to express
what their emotion is and who will tend to comment on their
emotions rather than to actually share them. Some people confuse
judgments with emotions. For instance, to say, "I feel this is
unfair…" is to share an opinion or judgment. To say, "I feel hurt
because this seems unfair" is to express the emotion.
- "Because…" This is where you
talk about what has led to the emotions. If your spouse is very
analytical, you may find it helpful to begin with this step and
put the emotional sharing second. This step covers the data (what
you have seen and heard), your thoughts about it, and what you
have done.
Possible Error: Instead of discussing behavior, some people
slip into name calling or into characterizations of their spouse.
- "I wish…" With this phrase, a person
shares where he or she wants to go with this subject or the reason
behind bringing the subject up. This sharing/wish should cover
more than just the desire of one person: "I wish for you … I wish
for our family… I wish for us… I wish for me…"
A stands for Agree.
"Agree with thine adversary quickly…" (Matthew 5:25) The principle
covered in this verse is to find agreement as quickly as possible
before the disagreement leads to greater pain. Finding areas where
you agree very early is important as a relationship is built on what
people have in common. Most couples are surprised at the beneficial
results of this step. Once both individuals have an opportunity to
share, the person who went second in the first step now share first
in saying where he or she agrees with his or her spouse. Begin by
agreeing with how your spouse says he or she feels. Even if you feel
your spouse "shouldn't" feel a particular way, you have to agree
about what the reported feelings are at that moment. Paint as many
points of agreement as possible.
Possible Error: Instead of speaking about what you agree
upon, a person can slip into detailing where the disagreements are.
By going back to the negative, the process can become mired in
issues such as "who said what when" and can become an exercise in
revisionist history with each one arguing from his or her own
perspective.
C stands for Confess.
"Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other
so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful
and effective." James 5:16 Confession has an obvious connection to
the healing of relationships, but the context of this passage
dictates that James was speaking of a physical healing. The Lord
also told us that if we intend to bring anything to God in worship
and remember that we have unresolved personal conflicts with anyone,
we are to first clear up the personal conflicts and then offer our
gifts to the Lord (Matthew 5:23 - 24). This real Christianity. Jesus
is saying that if we intend to be pleasing to God, we are to be
right in our relationships with others. Many times the confession
will be at least partially done in the Agree section. This should be
done as a separate section even if you feel you basically already
did this. Confession may include omissions of good things besides
the obvious commission of offenses.
Possible Error: Some find it very tempting to refer to the
faults of their mate here to justify their own errors. We deceive
ourselves by thinking that it is just background that is important
to understand. It could come as a point being made for
clarification. Confession is not condemnation of another's attitude,
behavior or intention. It contains only your own attitudes,
behaviors and intentions.
B stands for
Brainstorm: Long term relationship know how to speak
about their issues without blaming and with taking personal
responsibility. They also know how to think their way out of an
impasse. Brainstorming is a way to think outside the box within
which we can easily find ourselves. To brainstorm you will need to
take a sheet of paper and an pen to write down every idea. Do not
prejudge your ideas as workable or acceptable. Just put down every
idea you can. If you do not have at least 3 goofy ideas, you are not
yet brainstorming ideas. One goofy idea might be to take a world
cruise. An idea that might spark could be something like taking a 3
day cruise or you might start a savings for a really big cruise.
Once you have exhausted possible ideas, work together on what is
workable for you both. Try to come up with something that can be
explained in behavioral terms in contrast with attitudes. For
example, it is a weak idea to say that you will "feel better" about
your mate or "be more forgiving." It is better to state that you
will give your mate your "undivided attention when discussing any
problems" or "practice the listening skills" for conflict resolution
as these are measurable and are easily identified behaviors.
Lastly, the idea can
be something you do together or separately. It should be something
that you can do… the sooner the better.
Application:
Practice the listening skills this week four out of seven nights. Do
not cover any significant problem areas as attempting that while
trying a new skill is setting yourself up for failure. Some where
during the evening, set aside 10 minutes to just practice the four
skills. If any large problem comes up, write it down and put off
dealing with it until you have practiced listening for 4 days.
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